April 29, 2011


It never fails to amaze me the level of anonymous hate that seethes out of strangers once you go public on the Internet.

Mama Jane is an Internet creeper - she's probably been on your Facebook page and checked out all the pictures of your cousin, just because she can. But her skills are that of a middle-aged woman who types with only two middle fingers with a percussive sound like this: ticka... ticka... tacka tacka... ticka. It can drive a person nuts. She's a typical mom that calls it "The Facebook" and "Tweeter" so you can imagine my absolute amazement when she went rogue, defied the logical boundaries of technological ineptitude and took on the Internet bully/stalker who dared call her beautiful daughter FAT.  

I say bully/stalker because although my short films are posted on YouTube for the enjoyment of everyone, my name is not attached to them, nor do I have my own profile to host them, so you actually have to Google me  to find the one place where they're all hosted. And under each video, posted by the same anonymous profile is "Great film... except for the fat actress" or "This was hilarious, but what's with the fat blonde chick?"

Really? That's all you got? I'm Fat? My film won $500 dollars. This person could admit they liked it. There were four other actors in this particular short, but I get singled out and insulted. Now why do I scare you so much?

I'm a size 4. I've never considered myself having a weight issue, however... I remember reading somewhere that the "average Hollywood actress" is a size 0 and weighs about 90lbs. I've also read the "average Hollywood actress" has bulimia and STILL has to suck a dick to get a job. So I will apologize now for not having low self-esteem, an eating disorder, and a people pleasing complex. To steal from Lady Gaga, "I'm a fucking lion... and I'll devour a veggie burger like the ravenous beast I am." Totally took some liberties on that quote.

And what if I was "FAT" ? What difference does it make? Would it mean that I should be shamed from pursuing my dreams and goals? Deny a God-given directive to follow my heart's desire?

I see YouTube comments on girls I would classify has being "skinny" and thus "having it all," they too are called FAT. So I think we all need to just pull our FAT asses out of the world of shame and shake it even harder in the faces of adversity. Just mark a big F and U on that ass and shake it!

Being insulted seems to come with the territory. It often makes me laugh, but it really hurts my mom's feelings. FAT is the default insult for women, like "Gay" would be for the straight male. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be true. It's old and tested and it works for the immature person who is so riddled with their own failures and inadequacies. I've stepped out here with my real face and my real name. Anonymous hides in the shadows, thinking they're taking me down a notch. Clearly, my balls are bigger.

But this is the best part of the story. Jane goes into Momma Bear mode, takes the afternoon off from her private practice to figure out how to create a YouTube account so that she can retort and defend my honor. Do you realize how insane that is? She's defied her generational limitations for a higher purpose. That's like grandma lifting up the car so little Timmy can crawl out. I was so proud of my mom. It didn't matter that it probably took all afternoon for her to figure it out and that she typed with two fingers. Because this is what she posted:

I've noticed you posted the same comment on each of the videos of this beautiful young actress. Clearly, she knows you personally. Why don't you post a picture of yourself? I'm sure you're a real looker!

Doesn't that just scream Mom? Can you imagine how proud I was of her? My mom's a fucking lion and she'll hunt you down in the desert and tear your face off if you mess with her cub. So don't.


  1. I am a true fatty, fat even for being a housewife in America, and still I'm not really impressed with "fat" as the best insult someone can come up with. Really, call me a pseudointellectual, call me a sinner, call me a feminazi, or worst of all, tell me I'm a bad writer who's not funny.

    Whatever I'm called, it's still not as bad as being someone who has no empowerment in their life but the superiority they get from insulting strangers on the internet. And I'm glad to see folks like your mom taking such jerks on, rather than shrugging and saying, "oh, well, it's the internet."

  2. Right on Erin!! You are my hero- I hope you don't mind me quoting you, because that my lady was fucking amazing!! Xoxo


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