April 24, 2011

Praise Jesus!

Jesus Walks. Or Floats.
It's Jesus' Re-Birthday and how could I not comment on the greatest horror story ever told? Although I was born into an Irish Catholic Family, my religious experiences with Jesus were sporadic. I remember getting smacked for saying, "Jesus was pretty hot, hey mom?" when I pointed out the illustration in my kids bible. Apparently, you can't objectify the Lord. Then there was the holographic picture of Jesus in my great grandmother's wood-panel bungalow. He would bless you if you walked past him. I thought it was pretty neat and when she died I wondered who he was left to. 

But the first "scary" Jesus experience was when my uncle took me to church shortly after being released from jail for bank robbery, hostage taking, and possession of cocaine. In the slammer, he became a born-again Christian. And boy, do you score points when you show up with a cute five-year-old girl and try to convert her to the cult cause.

I remember this stale church with florescent lighting and these adults that didn't dress like the regular adults I knew. I felt weird and uncomfortable, probably beccause of the gory image of Jesus in the front, bleeding on the cross, nails hanging out of his flesh, the crown of thorns... it gave me nightmares. But that wasn't the worst part. My Uncle John was called to the front. He waved his hands in the air like he was struggling with invisible bees and called out for Mary, mother of Jesus, to speak to us. And she answered.

I nearly shit my pants. I was five! How was I to know it was some audacious nutjob in the back who took it upon herself to "evoke the spirit"? That shit was real, and if Jesus' mom was real then so was he and why the f*$% ( I really did swear at an early age) was he nailed to that power line?

Because of that experience, I wasn't able to finish my prayer in my kid's bible: If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take... no thanks dude, I'm keeping my own soul thank you very much.

I always thought Freddie Krugar traumatized me as a kid and made me obsessed with horror, but maybe it's Jesus' fault. As a side note, Uncle John soon after went back to a life of cocaine. Turns out Jesus' love just isn't as euphoric as the blow, but that's a story for another time.

Now this is what I've been thinking over the past few days. I really want to see a story about Jesus as a vampire. I know it's not an original idea, maybe it has been done already, but I don't think so because the good Christians of the world would shut that down pretty quick. There is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, which has some clever tag lines and a laughably entertaining premise, check out the trailer HERE, but I want some acknowledgment of how our popular North American vacation maker is clearly one of the undead!

The Eucharist (drink the blood, eat the flesh), being staked, the image of the cross as being harmful (not because it evokes the holy light, but shit, if I was crucified and someone was rubbing it in my face I would probably hiss at them too), the resurrection from the tomb... he's immortal... I mean, what else do you need??? It's been mentioned before, even Jason Stackhouse made the connection in TRUE BLOOD season two, but I really want to see what could be explored here!!

I like to imagine the vampire Jesus hiding out in the desert again, troubled by being so misunderstood and the irony of his followers spilling more blood than he does, in his name no less. Ripe with struggle. What will he do? Where will he go? Who did he change with him? I'd love to play with this, but I just don't have the time. So this idea is free for the grabbing. Just send me a copy.

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