September 18, 2013

Bringing Out the Dead

"It's a shame you're not writing about this..." True. But after a three month absence, where does one start? I guess from the beginning. Or the end.

After our stint with CineCoup I was eager to move forward with all the changes I wanted to make with "Gillian's Just Right." I was riding such a high from the Banff Media Festival, feeling inspired, connected, and ready to move forward. A week later, the road I took home was washed away by the floods and across the country, I lost someone I loved.

I underestimated the power of grief. Perhaps because this person had become nothing more than a ghost in a life I used to have. Our story had ended and I was left with unfathomable anger. Thus, I couldn't write. I didn't want to read what I had to say.

In the weeks that followed I aimed to reconnect with myself and being a flaky mystic, I hit the cards. Ironically, the symbol that kept coming through was Death. My step sister won't even entertain the idea of tarot because she's terrified of seeing this card. Many people have this reaction. The macabre scene can feel like a punch to the gut and reminds us of our vulnerability and powerlessness to forces beyond our control. But the true meaning is not so ominous.

When I see this card, I think of Bob Dylan singing a change is gonna come... then I get irritated. Change is hard, even when necessary. It was clear I was entering another period of personal transformation, which means letting go of things that no longer suit me.

I needed to reflect on my experience. I had to take stock of what was really important and be accountable for how I've isolated from good people. I had to wake up to a new reality and accept that I was forcing myself to endure a toxic environment because it had grown familiar. I kept telling myself it was supportive, when clearly it was not.

I had to be grateful. I had to get really clear of what I want, what I deserve and what I'm here to do. So that's what I've been doing.

Death is an excellent motivator when the lessons are accepted. It is good to outgrow the old way of life, to leave behind those who punish you for success or project a negative false belief of who you are. It is good to be curious about what is coming your way.

And as an artist, sometimes it's good to put down the pen, stop observing, and live for a little bit.

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