October 16, 2013

Bags of Mystery

My favourite childhood memories of Halloween are the "Bags of Mystery," also known as "The Boxes." Sadistic adults would warp our food into horrific remains of a crime scene and urge us to  reach inside and touch the dead man's eye balls (aka boiled eggs).

The trick is, they don't tell you what you're touching until it's already in your hand. It's a two-part knuckle sandwich: the fear of the unknown and then the gruesome context that has you retracting your arm and screaming bloody murder. It's brilliant. I love it.

Because Halloween isn't Halloween without scaring the shit out of perfectly innocent children. I take offense to these diluted kid-safe "scary" decorations that line the supermarket shelves. Take this inflatable cat for instance.

More like, Me-Yawn.

I grew up on Halloween Alley. We had a hearse parked in the middle of the street. A neighbour owned a legitimate ALIEN costume and hid in the bushes. One man hung himself from his tree and wouldn't move until you got really close... then BLAM!

Make the kids work for it.
There were open graves, flood lighting and stereo systems blasting horror soundtracks. Neighbours turned their white picket fences into the gates of hell, manufactured their own haunted houses and chased you through them. And if you were too scared to attempt the quest, then your pillow was pretty light on the way home.

And that's the way it should be. Candy should come at a price. It's a metaphor for life, Bitches. We're making our children much too soft, allowing them to feel entitled to an easy ride, expect comfort and free shit and all they have to do is dress up like Batman. Not on my street kids.

Here are some excellent examples of adults doing their duty and scaring the children. This is a classic set up, the "every thing's OK" wife and her sadistic husband. Love love love.

A double-whammy. Check out the Garbage Monster. Fun and easy to do. Again, it's important to have that psychopath who tells the children (and adults) to not trust their own instincts.


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