The bloody details of a horror writer, director & actor.

December 24, 2013

Is There A Doctor In The House?

#ScriptsFromRealLife  #XmasEdition 

In order to truly appreciate this post, click here for some background music. It's like you're there.


T'was the night before Christmas at the Baroque Music Ensemble. A family sits together in the balcony of the church, a place they don't visit often. 

The Father type is a "Mr. Toronto" W.A.S.P. who puts too many rolling R's in Barrrroque. The Mother type, a lapsed Catholic School Girl whose sabbath rituals now include Oprah's #SuperSoulSunday. The Daughter type, surprised she didn't burst into flames as she stood upon holy ground. And lastly, the "evil" Step-Sister, who is actually sugar and spice and everything nice and the reason we're all here, cuz she's bangin' the conductor's son.*

The event is a unique moment of culture for this rag-tag team. Usual gatherings include a bag of potato chips and yelling at the TV, but the fam dresses up real nice, so no one would notice. 

Upon scanning the room, the daughter recognizes someone in the audience: a snow-capped woman in her 60's, classy and sophisticated. 

Daughter: (Whispers) Hey - Isn't that Dr. B?

Mother: Yep. I thought she might be part of this.

Daughter: Isn't it weird that she's here?

Mother: Why?

Daughter: Well, it just makes me uncomfortable. It's weird to see our family doctor out in the real world. 

Mother: Mmmmhmmm...

Daughter: Don't you feel weird about it? Someone in this room has had their hands in both of our snatches.

Mother: Oh stop.

Daughter: It's freaking me out. I don't want to see her. It's bad enough she small-talks me while she... you know...

Mother: Ah, there comes a time in your life where you can't remember half the people that have been up there. It's not a big deal.**


* Updated as my Step-Sister reminded me that she was there. As in, sitting next to me.

** This punchline is debatable, as the Mother Type denies she actually said this, which you know means she absolutely did. But for the sake of argument and preservation of dignity on the Internet, it's "fictional." 

Merry Xmas Everyone! 

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