December 6, 2016

Within/Without



Photo by Laura Makabresku.

 "In the slaughterhouse of love, they kill only the best, none of the weak or deformed. Don't run away from this dying. Whoever's not killed for love is dead meat."  - RUMI

We're in the dark times again. The light around us has dimmed, become artificial. We need to huddle close, reach out for each other and foster our light within. Otherwise the dark waters can surface and pull us under.

We must turn away from our suffering mind. It claims it knows the way. It does not. It leads us to dry paths and to dull scenery.

Life without heart is hallowed, mundane. It's thirsty. Without heart, life is still and safe. Neither up nor down, it flatlines. Can you hear the ringing of your own decay? Is the safety worth this noise?

Love is like water. It is essential. But we've forgotten the feeling of it on our skin, we have forgotten that we are made of this stuff. We need the recognition of what is within to be found without. We need the joy of being fully submerged, returned. We need suspension. We need peace.

Say yes to your nourishment. Fall deeply in love. Listen to the one who calls out to you. Follow this fool to the ends of the Earth. Not the one without, the one within.
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November 24, 2016

Honour the Realm of the Unknown

Photo by Kelly Lawrence.

Falling or flying. It's hard to tell sometimes, isn't it? We claim to want to feel alive, but shrink at the vulnerability it requires of us.

There is a price to be paid for your freedom. People don't often speak of this. The old must be grieved. Even when letting go of something that no longer serves us, we must grieve.

In these times, we search for certainty. We doubt our steps forward and the woods ahead of us seem too dark. We want to turn around and be embraced by the familiar. That is a mistake.

This is not the time to be left alone in our heads without adult supervision. When ruled by the head, we can feel a self-righteous strength. We can lay down the sword and cut through the chaos, but it only produces more. When ruled by the head, the heart is not invited to the table. Knee-jerk reactions can feel so powerful, but it is simply an attempt to control. It is all an illusion.


In Tarot, this is The Death Card.


Inspiring fear in the hearts of many who pull this card, it should actually be praised for the blessing it is. Death is a transition. It's the signal that we are walking through the veil and developing a closer relationship to spirit. Parts of us need to die to be reborn.

When we allow our transition and transformation, we are granted a miracle: the mistakable experience of a higher benevolent power. It's is not philosophical realization. It's something felt within the body. You feel a shift from tension, worry and pain, towards the calm. You hold within you a deep knowing. Sometimes this shift is dramatic, sometimes is dawns slowly and builds upon other experiences exponentially. 

But when you have this feeling, it's like waking up from a lucid dream. It's remembering that in some realm that feels more real than this one, we can fly. And we can fly, we've only forgotten.

The last few weeks have been a difficult mirror to look through. How many times have I uttered, I have no idea what's going on here. I want to know my destiny. I want to understand, to make sense, to make decisions and charge forward while the universe continues to whisper, bitch chill.

So many souls around me are feeling the pressure. We're having our buttons pushed. We're being nudged off the diving board before we're ready. Pain is surfacing. Loose ends are being tied. The new is calling us. And yes, it is scary. It can be a time of feeling great overwhelm.

So lay the fuck down for a minute and be still. Be like the fainting goats. Take your time.

You will remember who you really are.

* * *



I want to say thank you to my Tribe, to all the souls who share with me and remind me that we are in this together, never alone. xoxo




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September 16, 2016

Leaving the Suffering Business

Photo by Laura Makabresku
Today is a powerful day. We have a lunar eclipse and full moon in Pisces, which essentially means you will be feeling everything. Everything that isn't working right now and everything that hurt from the past. 2016 has been labelled the Year of Purification* and the full moon energies illuminate all that needs to be released. Sometimes, it hurts to let go.

A brilliant question came to me this week: when we are preoccupied with an outcome, when do we cultivate presence? My answer was, we don't. That's kind of the point. Stay busy so you don't have to feel. And yet, moments begin to pass without significance, clutter begins to accumulate and it's difficult to decipher was is true, what is necessary, what is essential.

There's always something waiting for us when we stop and allow ourselves to breathe. Louis C. K. shares brilliantly on the sadness that visits us when we're alone. We avoid these moments and lose the power and the gifts of them.

My experience has taught me that everything, even grief, is temporary. What has prolonged my pain is the avoidance of it, the refusal to acknowledge it. When we are physically wounded, the injury needs to be tended to or else the whole body is at risk. Our spirits are the same. I used to wear my wounds like badges of honour. Nothing hurts me, nothing touches me. I don't feel a thing. As a result, I suffered tremendously. It gets to be exhausting, trudging along, carrying dead weight and bleeding out.
“Out of the wound emerges the teacher, your wisdom, your wholeness." - Pat lillies
I know the transformative power of pain. Today, I am no longer in the suffering business. Today I am leaving for a writer's retreat in a commitment to share my story, as I feel called to do. No distractions. No running. No resistance. It's time for purification and to see the past in a larger context, one that includes hope and resilience. I invite you to allow yourself a moment to experience the same.

Take care of yourself this weekend. Be gentle. Be around the ones who love you. And remember, this too shall pass.
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July 20, 2016

Love is a Hunter

Illustration by Goni Montes.

Can we talk about self-sabotage for a second?

You have this dream that gnaws on you. Your heart sings in the pursuit of it, but when you're this close, you deny and dismiss it. In relationships, you drive people away. In career, you didn't make that extra effort when the opportunity presented itself because [insert your lame ass excuse here]. You get the nudges, the signs, the synchronicity, but decide it's just wishful thinking and toss the gift aside. Our dreams present themselves at our feet all the time, like stags sacrificing their heart to the hunter. But we miss the mark.

I see a lot of people tripping over themselves lately. From procrastination to perfectionism, we all have our go-to reasons why things aren't quite working out for us and it's usually everyone else's fault. Or we mistake the presence of fear, being uncomfortable or awkward as a sign that something isn't right and we should stop what we're doing. If you are truly hunting, you should be terrified. Pee should be running down your leg!

I used to believe that destiny trumped all. The sad truth is, you can ruin your opportunity. You can absolutely fuck it up, destroy that potential, lose that person who could have meant something to you... and this all happens from a lack of effort, not a failure in trying. And if you're really honest, you just didn't try. This is why you can't have nice things. You don't think you're worthy of them.


In Tarot, this is the 9 of Wands. The warning for me with this card is always, how am I getting in my own way? How am I guarded and preventing the flow? What humiliation am I trying to avoid?

As a retired black-out artist and recovering saboteur, I am painfully aware of all the times I have held myself back and let myself down. So many times I believed an outsider's voice over mine about who I am and what I am capable of. It doesn't even matter what they said, only that I believed it. I fostered it. I limped. I defaulted. I denied myself.

I went through a big transition in May - an awakening that rocked my world and named the source of my Achilles heel. Looking back, it's a miracle that I still managed to function through the chaos and re-birth of myself, in spite of not knowing what the fuck I was doing or feeling good about it. And now I get it. I am my only enemy, not just the worst, and it stems from what I think about myself or what I think about what is possible. The healing here is that we can change what we think.

Whenever I've found myself saying Can't, Won't, Don't, Tried, I am now adjusting to the possibility that I just don't know what is possible. And if I'm not stuck on being right and certain, then anything is possible. The best part is that you don't have to be convinced you're worthy of anything - just the possibility of it is enough space for magic to take place.

We forget how powerful we are. We are instruments to be used for alchemy. When aligned, we can tap into unseen forces and access an entire arsenal of tools that are not visible in the 3D realm. It's our birthright to come together and create. All the elements are at our disposal and helpful hands appear when we ask for them.

Are you struggling? Ask Yourself:

  • What keeps you in illusion?
  • What excuses did you come up with?
  • What are you missing out on?
  • Who do you keep at your side to reinforce the lie?
  • How much good do you allow?
  • How many times do you call out for your heart's desire and then not recognize it when it shows up because of judgment or fear?
  • Do you realize that you reading this is no accident? Yeah sweetheart, I'm talking to YOU!


Begin to question the voice inside you that knows the answer to everything. Try to rest in a place of uncertainty, then breathe and raise your bow.  
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March 25, 2016

Only Lovers Left Alive


"The heart is a mystery - not a puzzle that can't be solved, but a mystery in the religious sense: unfathomable, beyond manipulation, showing traces of the finger of God at work."  
- Thomas Moore


It all comes in threes. At the height of my awakening, over a three-week span, I endured the loss of my first love, a friend committed suicide and my beloved dog died. I was in the middle of a country and western song. My heart was broken. My mind was fragile. Everything hurt. It certainly wasn't the darkest time of my life, but it was one of them.

And then I fell in love. I cut off all my hair and went blonde. I made a 16mm short film. Love, lightness and creativity. The cycle began again in threes. In hindsight, we can see that endings pave the way for new beginnings, but it's hard to remember that when you're enduring the dark night of the soul.

Right before Johnny Cash started penning my life, I was on the wrong trajectory, pouring my energy into politics and criminal justice while harbouring a terrible secret: I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to write and make films. Now I was no stranger to art and performance, but I had turned away from it at a pivotal point in my life because it lacked (in my opinion) credibility and substance. My intellect outlined the "right path" for me and as I marched to my decided destiny, I was blissfully unaware that I was dying inside. That's not true. I knew I was sick, restless, irritable and discontent. Grief corrected my path. The pain made it impossible for me to disregard the call of my heart, which is why our dark times are an absolute gift. Just don't say that to someone in the midst of it... you could get punched in the face.

Follow Your Heart is probably one of the most cliched sayings we humans have, but great philosophers, scientists and artists have pointed out an important fact: the heart is the centre of our soul. True desires that spring forth are not just passing whims of the ego, but indications of our purpose. Our absolute reason for manifesting on the planet! I vividly remember that moment of clarity when I realized my heart is not this treacherous organ in my chest that makes me *gasp* vulnerable and emotional. My heart is my compass. It is the map and the treasure.

In Tarot, this brings us to The Lovers. It is about our choices, our destiny and the calling of our soul. It's not always about that soulmate connection, but the feeling behind this brings forth many unions and connections that propel us forward. When we follow our compass, we're led to ecstasy. 


by Denilson

I once worked with a gal who had a red ribbon tattooed on her pinky finger. She told me of the "red string theory" - that fate leads us to our heart's true desires by an invisible thread. What is meant for us will draw nearer, no matter where we run to. I love that. Imagine the pull of the fates. It means there are no mistakes, no wrong turns. It means that voice of resistance inside that says this is never going to happen is just the impatient child in the backseat asking are we there yet. 

Recognize the signs that the universe is trying to assist you with your life purpose and soul mission. Look for the numbers, the meanings, the synchronicity. And if you feel lost, get clear, quiet and ask your heart where it would like to be.
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February 19, 2016

Lost in the Dark



The creative path is non-linear. This can be terrifying when you want results or assurance of doing the right thing. The unknown is the space where the new is born and fumbling around in the dark is necessary. Problem is, we don't recognize this as part of the process. We resist it and shame ourselves for being lost and afraid.

In Tarot, this is represented by The Moon. 

This is where we confront our shadow self, all of the whispers and wants that remain neatly tucked into the corners of our psyche. It is our wild that will not be tamed. It is our deception and illusions, it's the unconscious beliefs that can sabotage and subvert our dreams in the daytime. It is also the feminine wisdom of delving into the underworld for transformation. We cannot avoid or pass through these moments too quickly. It's our moment to commune with the unseen world.
From the Starchild Tarot

If you're picking the moon card or relating to this part of the journey, know that collectively our paths are accelerating. We are all part of this global awakening and a new understanding that creativity is our purpose and contribution, whether we consider ourselves as "creative" or not.

So how do we hold fast through the reality of this painful process of letting go, not knowing, and being afraid of what comes next? Radical acceptance. Sometimes detours are necessary. Breakdowns are breakthroughs. That toxic relationship, that crushing perfectionism, the procrastination that had you organizing your sock drawer... all of it contributes to the cause and all can be harvested. Accept it. Surrender. Use swear-laden prayers to get you through. And if you really need to hear it, you're on the right path. Even when it's unclear.

Creativity demands that you continue. Keep tending to your seeds though you have no idea what will break through or when. Keep your hands on the wheel, though the road is dark and Radiohead lyrics are spinning around in your mind. I lost myself, a few times. Only in hindsight did I realize how valuable that was.

Riding through the dark is necessary. It helps you decide where you would rather be. This is the time to invest your energy into your dreams. Preserve your potential. Cut out anything and anyone that doesn't sit right. Listen to the loneliness of your heart. Longing is good for you. At the end of the day, your creative spark will sustain you. Allow everything else to fall away.
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