July 13, 2017

Feeling Vulnerable AF and Getting On With It

Photo by Dara Scully

Seven is the most spiritual of numbers. In numerology, it is considered the number of introspection, transformation, and meditation to gain clarity. It's also a hell of a long absence. It wasn't my intention to take such a long sabbatical from this blog. I'm not even sure how it happened. With gentle nudges of friends and readers asking for my return, I started to wonder... when did I stop being willing to share myself?

I'm very sensitive about being a writer who doesn't write, but the truth is I've been working on my memoir behind the scenes, which has thoroughly excavated my emotional resources. Add some serious bullshit in the romance department and massive changes in my career and home and I found myself straight up spiritually fatigued.

Feeling the 10 of Swords kind of low, I needed to hold myself in - a good sign of mental health and mega self-love. Going within brings a lot of answers and there's no real way to calculate how much time is required for healing and for the preparation of a massive shift.

Time to Shake Off the Lobster Shell

When we need to grow, life gets terribly uncomfortable. A friend of mine calls this the lobster shell, as these little monsters shed their protection when it's time to upgrade and expand. The pressure is a sign of growth, but so many of us try to shrink in order not to feel it because change is inconvenient, messy and a general pain in the ass.

Shrinking can also feel like depression with symptoms of numbness, fatigue, feeling isolated, feeling invisible, increased reliance on drugs or alcohol or my personal indicator, being sick all the time. Sounds like an infomercial for a horrible pharmaceutical drug where the side effects are worse than the condition.

I had to start paying attention to my discomfort, which came first as a whisper and then a goddamn brick to the face. For me, being emotionally drained is a signal that I've side-stepped my purpose. It's a call to shift and a call to expand. Often, I just don't want to move.

Vulnerability is Not a Four-Letter Word

Casting off the shell is an incredibly vulnerable process. Even lobsters go into hiding when they're molting. It's a survival thing. And in the end we come out stronger, more capable and more fulfilled. 

In the midst of not wanting to share myself, I started fishing for vulnerability. I started co-producing this series with Stephen Robinson (How to Learn Anything) called ShrinkWrapped, a talk-show with Psychiatrist Dr. Peter Silverstone. Our objective: real people, real conversations.

I researched influencers in the realm of social media, seeking out that magic combination of people willing to be visible, vulnerable and authentic. I'm instinctively drawn to people who do this. They are fascinating to watch and their energy is contagious. It was incredible to be on the sidelines and watch these conversations. I felt so proud of these participants for being real and opening up. And then I was asked to participate. Ugh. I figured it's not really fair of me to coax others into sharing themselves openly and then refuse to do so myself. So... giddy up.

Now let me explain that when it comes to vulnerability, I try to live by the motto of big open heart, big fucking fence. In my desire for connection, I've realized that I needed more discernment of who gets to know me and be in my life. Part of that power has come through writing my memoir, as I've spent time healing and processing the past. Only then can I openly share it - otherwise, it's not a service to me or anyone else. Again, that processing time has taken longer than I expected.

Now I feel compelled to share my story and the call is bigger than the quiver. Writing was the first part in releasing my past. Sharing my experience may help someone else know that it gets better.

Yes, I feel vulnerable. Yes, I struggle to share myself. Yes, I feel raw and naked and at times, and frankly, it feels lonely too. I keep trying to make vulnerable a four-letter word and unfortunately, it has a lot of consonants and I seriously doubt my ability to make #vuln a thing.

Perhaps vulnerability feels so gross because there's not enough of us living in this space, having real conversations and being upfront with each other. Lost in our social personas, lost in the search for attention and validation, I think we're all craving something real. So we gotta be real.

A lobster molts at least twice a year in adulthood. It's a natural process. We too need to allow for nature to run its course and then get on with it.

It's good to be back. xoxo
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7 comments

  1. Oohhh and I posted at 1:11!!! Man I love that.

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  2. Great read and SO true. Keeping it real, and vulnerable AF along with you co-author :)

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  3. Nice. Thanks for being so real and open.

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  4. It's good to see you back in the game Lindsey!

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  5. This was the first blog of yours that I've read. I actually didn't realize you had one. For someone who says she is not a writer, you clearly undervalue your skill of choosing every word carefully. You understand the power of each letter and phrase. A writer is an artist and you left me wanting to read your next piece. So yes, you are a writer, a masterful one, at that. You have inspired this writer to get on with his own writing.

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  6. Yes yes yes. Brizzzz

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